Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
