You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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