I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
