he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
