I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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