You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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