Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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