Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
