I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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