And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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