i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
