Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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