The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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