i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
