Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
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remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
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I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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