The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
this beer tastes like vomit already
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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