why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
