I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
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Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
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I'm way too hungover for life right now
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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