i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
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I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
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Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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