Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
