his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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