you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
