he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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