Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
