once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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