Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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