I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
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I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
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Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize