Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.

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(970): I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious. http://tfl.nu/cwzo

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(903): View more from Texas

I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.

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(903): I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better. http://tfl.nu/5s87

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(626): View more from California

You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.

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(626): You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I. http://tfl.nu/6sde

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(704): View more from North Carolina

so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...

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(704): so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie... http://tfl.nu/pw66

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(757): View more from Virginia

I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.

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(757): I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK. http://tfl.nu/aspp

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(623): View more from Arizona

His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?

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(623): His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me? http://tfl.nu/w4b8

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(804): View more from Virginia

Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.

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(804): Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush. http://tfl.nu/5pf3

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(248): View more from Michigan

I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...

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(248): I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby... http://tfl.nu/0zej

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(310): View more from California

Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"

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(310): Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god" http://tfl.nu/2xo4

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(206): View more from Washington

Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.

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(206): Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up. http://tfl.nu/qld8

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(850): View more from Florida

the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people

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(850): the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people http://tfl.nu/zcj8

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.

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(731): Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work. http://tfl.nu/qr42

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(623): View more from Arizona

How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?

(1-623): View more from Arizona

You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.

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(623): How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you? (1-623): You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror. http://tfl.nu/pl6g

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now

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(203): Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now http://tfl.nu/p7dd

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(301): View more from Maryland

You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there

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(301): You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there http://tfl.nu/jnb5

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