Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?