When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
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the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
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Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.