my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
