dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
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I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
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I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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