He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The feeling are messing with the penis
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
