Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
