I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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