I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
