I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
this is an emotional support booty call
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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