Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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