I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
