Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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