Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
