when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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