I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
