Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Watching her eat just hurts me
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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