She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
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Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
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I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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