Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
