I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
