you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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