The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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