I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
