I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
