You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
