Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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