hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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