this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
