Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
